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Feb. 27th, 2005 @ 10:32 am Anger is the Fire to my Phoenix
Few of you really know me I suspect. I have always held my cards very close.

I have had a serious issue with depression since the age of 10 or so.

I am incapable of feeling sad though. I cannot remember ever crying. I just cannot experience that emotion it seems. Even at the loss of a favorite pet or person. Certainly I should be able to cry about my current situation, but I don't know what that emotion feels like. Situations I have been in the past, times that I have been truly in some form of impending danger, I become dead calm. I think before I react. I don't hesitate to experience pain if reacting to it might harm me more.

In my current situation, I have great difficulty most times actually getting the thoughts in my head to flow through my mouth. Most people look at me, pretending to listen, but really just nodding and tuning me out because after all, I stutter and shake, I must be nuts.

I am preparing to fire my attorney. I cannot comment publicly about my reasons, but I have been seething with rage about some of her actions and inactions.

I haven't had a real panic attack in two days. My heart rate is hovering around 65, not the 55 pre accident, but not 80 bps either.

I went to the hardware store today, and remembered to buy everything I had stopped for and bartered a 40% discount on some items.

I was sharp.

I did not stutter once.

If I could, I imagine I would feel sad right now, at realizing that being angry, an emotion I am very good at not experiencing, shakes me enough to return me to the level of the person that always scores in the top 1% of aptitude tests. That lets me watch someone do something, and then later just sit down and repeat it at nearly the same skill level as the seasoned veteran.

My condition seems to truly be a Phoenix and Anger is my Fire.

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Date:February 28th, 2005 03:48 am (UTC)
(Permanent Link)

hey, my dragon sends fire to your phoenix. sadness has it's own place, I know very well - but you are thinking clearly and powerfully and that is true fire.