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Jan. 23rd, 2008 @ 03:36 am Time may Change Me, But I can't Trace Time
Life's a series of changes.

The survivors learn to adapt.

My shoulder is killing me.

It was Enough to wake me from one of the brief bouts of sound sleep I get between waking to help the wife, and I took an Loratab 2 hours erlier. I's been so long since I've even had 6 hours sleep that I suspect was the biggest reason for my trip to the ER with the Nitrous under the tongue and 45 going on 46 prime age to worry.

If it was a pain in my left arm I'd have been convinced long long ago it was more than just a simple extra jolt of Adrenaline courtesy of a random panic attack one minute you are at one with your surroundings and the switch gets thrown and boom the thoughts leave the head the heart races the urge to run is there but first you have to figure where you are would it be normal to run think think think and fast like being teleported into a crowd at random and expected to just blend in and be assimilated but much can happen in the seconds it takes to look about and remember that past 15 seconds I look at forms and for a time I cannot read a word.

Simple acts then blank like a clean slate.

I remember waiting in line two Christmas's ago at the Post Office, waiting in line to pay the postage and I am asked a question and the room becomes silent to me I cannot hear what she is saying and she is pointing wanting me to change something on the address and it was all I could do to walk out without breaking into a run.

The next day I went back and told her I had filled something out wrong asked what and was told do this add that and everything's fine happy holidays and that's the difference between just being Scared Thoughtless and being Maniac.

I've never thought I was Bi Polar if anything perhaps Bi PolarII but depressed yes an old acquaintance since my first memories just at random worse in winter and on cloudy days and my Grand Father Daddy Doc gave me a copy of "The Winter Blues" when I was 12 or so and I learned about light boxes and 10,000 lux the magic number early in the day to be most effective every place I have ever lived in has had one room lit twice as bright as normal so I have a place to retreat when the darkness of January overwhelms me and my workshop and garage I used the excuse that since I had all my auto body shop equipment I needed a well lit garage area but the real reason is that even at 2 am I can go down there and turn on all the lights and sit and think and be calm.

I know a girl long ago a good long time friend and her husband to I made her a light box mailed it to Maine I hope it helped her and that is why I chose to live in Florida to get the most sun as I could.

The first few years were so much better than December and January in Pennsylvania but the I got acclimated I suppose and once again I find myself in January running on auto pilot I know I must keep moving but the cumulative lack of sleep and the return of the pain as the nerve block wears off had me a bit stressed but then fate stepped in and perhaps this is a way out.

My wife has full time caregivers everyday she was smart and planned ahead and got a supplemental long term policy that pays about 3/4 of having someone for 8 hours a day. These two have kept me alive for a long time now I don't think I could survive if I didn't get a break during the day and although I generally drive the wife to all her appointments the chair hoist is simple enough that they are more than capable of loading and unloading the chair without worrying about it falling off it it didn't get locked properly. The thing has a receiver like a semi trailer and a button pops out saying its secure and away you go.

When we first moved into this house and suddenly the caregivers were in the house seven days a week this actually was very stressful for me. I was trying to get over the accident still and I tend to like being alone and to have a conversation just sucks the energy from me like a late night cram session at school and then suddenly it's 3 am and you're eating a large pizza...

I quickly learned to always where sweat pants to bed.

I'm not very domestic as some may have noticed by the past state of the computer room in spite of being OCD but this could very well be a defense mechanism...

The wife has more or less on several occasions accused me of keeping so much debris on the floor that she cannot drive her power chair into there as if my intent was to maintain my own personal space...

Anyways things work out I make a few simple things don't rearrange anything without asking me first If the salt shaker has been in the same spot for a year or so chances are I can remember it and the frustrating times that it's not there because someone decided it belongs in a different place and never ever take my pens and paper from the Island in the kitchen and if I set down my phone or keys to please please please put them in the same spot as well as my hat.

And so I've become accustomed to waking up and having these caregivers in the house all day until five brings freedom a little step for someone with social phobias cause this is my home, my refuge, my safe place.

My Sanctuary.

Things change and fate steps in and the full time caregiver is single and trying to get back on her feet and needs a car and needs an apartment of her own which means she needs deposits and her current living situation is making it very difficult for her to put anything away and just by chance I had the good sense my wife now admits to have finished the guest suite and although I was hoping it would always be available at a moments notice in case the parents or one of the Seven brothers and sisters and their spouses and or their kids ever show up unannounced but welcome.

We talked a bit the wife and I and the caregiver and she is gonna move in Thursday for three months and will take care of the wife for a time at night so I can have my shoulder operated on and mybe even spend a whole night in the hospitol cause the surgeon kept trying to tell me this would't be an out patient kind of thing but that wsa the original plan and I'd just come right home lift the wife with the left since that one sti works..

This plan seems a tad better so they are already scheduling me the preop stuff and hopefully I'll get it done in a coule weeks instead of spending money on another nerve block that will just fade in 2 monhts not to put it down the relief from the pain was wonderful.

The nerve block I think is wearing off and I wake Up every morning like I just dropped out of a tree...

I also told the wife in the event a bus got me the best thing for her to do would be to have someone turn the storage room downstairs into an apartment since it's got a private entrance and parking around back and it's wired into the intercom and tied to the main heating and cooling where as the guest suite is on a separate system since it wasn't expected to normally get full time use and it seemed pointless to heat or cool it if unused. I'd think in the long run a caregiver would rather prefer being able to come and go as they pleased without entering the main house, especially if it's there day off but for now this is supposed to be a 90 day thing then back to normal.

I told the wife I had to finish clearing out the attic and it would take a week or so then I'd make a quick video of it so she can see what it looks like.

She's never been able to get up the stairs and see it since we moved in.

Six months ago I was in trouble for finishing it instead of trying to get the house inspected with that floor unfinished but tht's a long long story. It's nice to actually be able to point out how convenient this is since the rooms upstairs are essentially sound proofed from the main floor below and pretty private.

Sleepin Side


Duncan Phyfe

Tub Shower
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Date:January 23rd, 2008 10:11 pm (UTC)


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Date:January 24th, 2008 02:20 am (UTC)


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