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Nov. 15th, 2007 @ 08:10 pm Reality is a Cold Cold Mistress
I got the shot in my shoulder last Monday and it helps but it certainly did not magically make the pain go away.
I stopped on the way home unannounced at my doctors and asked they could squeeze me in to see about the follow up from the trip to the ER.
I've been severely depressed since I was ten.

It's a way of life and so much a part of me I cannot recall a time I was just plane happy for days on end yet I can remember the months of unending darkness mostly in the shorter days of winter which explains my exodus to Florida as soon as I was brave enough to just get up and move.  It's something you cannot understand without experiencing it for yourself.

Wealthy Celebrities attempting and succeeding at suicide and how could they be so unhappy with all that money and all that attention but most depression is not a situational thing.  

It will not just go away with the luck of a windfall.

The reluctance of our fine Insurance industry to cover mental diseases certainly has an effect as well as the Stigma of such a label the reluctance to open up when all seems so lost and hopeless and the urge to die is there.

An end to the suffering, and that is the true goal not to end the life but to end the pain and the two seem so intertwined but they are not the same.  Life is meant to be cherished not tossed aside it is the dark that needs to go and as you age with this you learn to cope.

You learn the feelings will subside and the sun will indeed rise and there will be a new day and the insurmountable burden may in fact be put into it's proper perspective and why was I so upset about that?  Such a trivial thing or perhaps it is not trivial at all but what change can you make by sitting motionless.

Little baby steps even moving to a different room and the cyclic thoughts can be broken or interrupted just long enough to take a good breath and think how good it is to still be here.

I've been on antidepressants for ages it let me get on my feet when I awoke in the hospital,  When I was in my 20's the thought of such an injury the worry that if it happened to me I would not go on not if I could not be whole but life's lessons are different at 40 and I knew to fight to not admit defeat and to move no matter how much it hurt and sure I could possibly have gotten some better care along the way but this was as much my fault as the doctors if you do not complain enough they are not just gonna write a script and sure I can almost understand them saying I was not hurt if I could work on the house everyday and you can't possibly be having panic attacks that severe and just walk them off...

Monday I get fitted for a heart monitor for a few weeks to see what triggers the irregular thump bump thump and they wrote me a few prescriptions to calm me down and curb my OCD and the panic attacks he is insisting might be the mania of BiPolar but that stuff prescribed is making me cross-eyed so if the side effects are not worth it especially since the wife with her PhD in Psychology insists that no I am not manic this may change. 

I would think if I was BiPolar I would have suffered these effects prior to me hitting my head...

Fascinating stuff and mid conversation way my doc he said that there was a fine line between Genius and Schizophrenia.

My twisted sense of humor made me ask him completely straight faced which was I?


About this Entry
Date:November 16th, 2007 04:42 am (UTC)
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You've been through so much - Keep moving forward. :)
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Date:November 16th, 2007 06:00 pm (UTC)


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You've always been a friend.

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Date:November 16th, 2007 06:47 am (UTC)

Hang in there...

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Nutritional control really helped me...I was a seriously depressed child (ok, I had an over-the-top dysfunctional family, which didn't help), but the black cloud lifted -- as did autoimmune issues, allergies, and Seasonal Affective Disorder -- when I got the chemicals out of my diet, detoxed, and did an elimination diet to unmask a hidden food allergy (wheat). You might try that...it doesn't cost anything and can't hurt. But you have to be close to 100% certain of everything you put in your mouth for it to work really well...and that's very hard to do these days.

What color did your doctor turn when you asked him that? ;o)
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Date:November 16th, 2007 05:50 pm (UTC)

He Smiled

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And he didn't lean back and away like some do now when I mention my slurring stuttering words are the result of a head injury.

He is a good doctor caught up in a system of managed care where people with business majors silently pull on strings.